Different Kind of Crying

So it was time for my annual trip to Michigan. Typically this trip focuses on some quality time with my only remaining Grandparent, Pops, and a trip to the Big House. Throw in a few minutes with other family and if the Wolverines pull out a victory it’s deemed quite the productive trip. Last year I didn’t make the trip as it was scheduled for the weekend prior to Carter’s unanticipated surgery. Missing the trip up North was a no brainer. Throughout this past year many conversations with Pops made me realize just how significant this annual trip is to him, more so than for me. Not taking the time to fly up this year wasn’t an option.

The year’s trip was planned for this past weekend and everything was put into motion. Several conversations were had with dear friend, David Moyer, who graciously offers me stand by tickets at a ridiculously cheap rate every time I need to take to the friendly skys. He made it clear that flights were extremely difficult to come by and my schedule would need to be quite flexible. I was reluctant to make the trip knowing it would mean more time away from the family and make the work schedule for this week pretty erratic and messy. I love my job and I love the routine of meetings and managing that has become my ministry. Giving up time with Amy and the boys, as well as missing work wasn’t going to be easy for me.

So now to the reason of this post. The extended trip and lack of “plan” for these past 5 days have been such a God thing. I’ve had long quality conversations with family that I often wave to on the way to and from the football game with maybe a 5 minute “hello, good to see you, and bye” sprinkled in. Many of these conversations have included questions and concerns about Carter and our family. With each and everyone I have had the chance to explain that all is well in our world. And each time I talk about where we were a year ago and where we are now, I think of one thing and one thing only… God’s unmeasurable Grace. I hold back the tears a lot better a year post surgery. I can talk about the journey without blubbering these days. But for the last 4 nights, I’ve laid in bed and cried every night. I cry because I am amazed at how much God loves us and cares for us, His broken humans who continually defy Him. Us, who deserve the pain and suffering that we have brought upon ourselves, do not deserve the unconditional love He so easily bestows. If I can’t look at this past year and understand the need for a Savior and how the Gospel is evident in Carter’s journey, then I should have a totally different reason to cry.

I get it. I don’t deserve it, but I get it. And every chance I’m allowed to talk about a journey dripped in His Grace I just want to cry.

Someone else’s Journey

We’ve often thought that walking through the journey of Carter’s black eye would one day allow us to relate to similar people/stories. This weekend I received a call from a good friend, Roger Davis. He had learned of a fellow Student Pastor whose 8 month old son was diagnosed with Retina Blastoma and had his eye removed the past Friday. Roger knew we could empathize with this family and simply wanted me to know.

For two nights I’ve struggled to sleep thinking about this family and their situation. The surgery was successful but now they wait for the pathology report to know if the cancer has spread to anywhere else. If so they have already discussed 4-6 radiation treatments. It will be a long week. A week I still remember last year, a week where every time the phone rings you wonder who it is and what news it will bring.

You’ve been so faithful to pray for us and Carter’s journey. Would you be so kind as to join us as we pray for Andrew, his wife Natalie, and their sweet little Zach, who turned 8 months old today. Pray for peace. Pray for his little body to be cancer free. Pray, as we still do for Carter, that God would use this for His good and His glory.

Join us, and pray!

Consider it PURE Joy!

One year.

Three hundred and sixty five days.

It was this exact time on Sept 17th, 2012 that Amy was simply walking into a typical eye exam for Carter.  What happened next was far from typical and began a whirlwind 79 day journey for our family.

I’d say that “nothing could have prepared us for that day,” but as we look back on it that simply isn’t true.  There is no doubt, considering everything that happened this past year, that the foundation of Christ in our lives and the presence of the Holy Spirit made those days manageable. We had rough moments.  We shed countless tears.  We didn’t understand why the trials but we persevered and praise God we found joy on the other side.

Joy came in knowing nothing we went through took our Creator by surprise.  Joy in the way the church, the body of Christ, prayed for us, encouraged us, loved us, brought meals, paid for expensive glasses, hugged Carter, remembered Topher, and shared countless scriptures through text messages, FaceBook posts, cards and phone calls.

Joy came when God used this situation to bring Topher to a saving knowledge of Christ as our oldest put all of his trust in Him.

Joy continues to come in watching Carter live a normal life and knowing God continues to heal his heart as he processes all of this.

Joy comes as we learn more and more of how Cater’s story will be used for His glory.

Joy is getting to tell the Journey of The Black Eye without crying tears of pain, or sorrow, or hurt anymore. Truly the tears are those filled with joy in seeing how our Sovereign God works.

Joy is talking about it with a smile on our faces and laughing about the times like when Carter recently told a teacher, “I can take my eye out and throw it at you” in respond to her telling the class, “ok class all eyes on me.”

Joy is looking into both his eyes, seeing the sparkle, and being able to thank God for His goodness – even in the midst of our trials.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

Carter is missing an eye, but I’d think it’s easy to say that we feel like we are lacking in nothing. Maybe not the exact thoughts that flooded our minds 365 days ago but a reality none the less.

6 months

6 months have passed. 6 months since that dreadful morning that we will never forget. We were stressed from the many conversations, appointments, and tests that lead us to this day. Just under a month earlier we were wondering if Carter might need reading glasses but on this day we were walking into an invasive surgery to remove his eye and check for potential cancer. We were tired from sleepless nights laying there wondering how to help our little boy.  We were worn out from trying to make sense and explain the unexplainable to friends, family, and quite frankly, ourselves.

6 months since we sat in the waiting room, surrounded by friends (some as from as far as Birmingham), for what seemed to be eternity. 6 months since we handed over our sweet boy and trusted him to a stranger to alter his life. 6 months.

There are parts of this journey we will certainly forget. So many doctors and specialist that eventually will slip our memories.  Years down the road we may forget a few details, maybe some of the dates surrounding the visits to the specialists. I’m sure over time we will not remember the gut wrenching feeling of that morning, although to this day it is easy to recall. There are parts of this journey we will certainly forget, but there is one that will remain forever.

6 months ago on October 16th, 2012, we handed over our son, possibly dealing with Retina Blastoma (cancer), for someone to remove his eye and put in an implant.  We were confused.  We felt lost.  We were tired. Yet, on that day God was good and nothing was going to change that. I remember thinking that while sitting in the waiting room and that part of the journey will never be forgotten. God was good and that did not change Carter’s situation and Carter’s situation did not change the fact that God was good.

We’ve come along ways in the past 6 months – and God has never stopped being good.

The sun comes up its a new day dawning

It’s time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evenings comes

To The Moon and Back

Amy mentioned the other day that she would like to write a post for the blog.  She sent me what she wrote with a warning not to read it while at work. That’s almost a plea to open and read immediately. Would you refuse to open the document? Would you ignore it for a couple hours? I didn’t think so. I read it, and now I warn you… Stop reading and grab some tissues.  Then proceed with caution and you will see one of the many reasons I openly confess God blessed me with an amazing woman and how grateful I am that I get to partner with her in raising our boys.

From Amy:

Dear Carter,

I refuse to believe that you are turning seven!  It seems like only yesterday, we were awaiting your arrival and muddling our way through the adoption world.   I am thankful every day that the Lord saw fit for me to be your mom.  You teach me so much every day about loving life and not caring what others think – just being yourself.  You are vibrant and fun and there is never a dull moment when you are around!

One of the things I deeply admire about you is your tenacity and perseverance.  I find it so easy to just give up and move on to the next thing, but you are my little bulldog.  Once you “bite” onto something, you won’t let go until you see it to completion.  I think it goes without saying that this character trait has also proven frustrating and scary at times.  Especially when you were little and bound and determined to do everything your big brother was doing.  I pray I have not squelched that in you, because now more than ever, this world needs tenacious people – especially those who will be courageous and stand up for the Truth.

I love that you enjoy life and I love the sparkle in your eye.  I love your dimples and your infectious smile and contagious laugh.  I thought we might have lost some of that when we made the gut wrenching decision to have your eye removed.  I am forever grateful for our new friend, Mr. Donnie, who worked so hard to make your eye “shine” again.  I was so thankful to hear you laugh after your surgery and flash those killer dimples.  It does make me sad, though when we have to remove your prosthetic.  Your entire face changes and you become deflated.  I can almost see on your face that you have learned at too early of an age how awful this sin and disease riddled world is.  I wish I could take that from you but I pray that God uses this in your life to draw you to Himself.  I know that when you ask questions like, “What if I lose my other eye?” or “What happens to blind people?” that your sweet heart is hurting.  The future could look bleak but I know that with the Lord’s help and your tenaciousness, you would not even let blindness stop you!

In many ways, I am glad to put the “year of the eye” behind us.  I am ready for all of this to begin to feel normal.  But, I will never forget God’s faithfulness to give us extra measures of peace and grace, the kindness and encouragement we received from family, friends and strangers, and the intimate times with the Lord when sometimes all I had were the groanings of my heart.  I pray that I am able to encourage you with all of this when you need it and use this past year to serve as an altar for our family – an altar like the Jewish people would erect in the Old Testament when God did something amazing – something we can come back to and be reminded of who He is and what He has done for us.

I love you more every day and as sad as I am to see you growing up, I am looking forward to watching how God uses your story to change people’s lives.  I know you have changed mine forever.

I love you to the moon and back, Mom

Perfection?

I was not planning on another update so quickly but this remains the easiest way to tell those connected to us the latest news.

Carter, once again, has conjunctivitis – a word I no longer need help from spell check on. We felt it was possible and we were not entirely surprised when Donnie confirmed so today. With that news he decided we would try something new.  After we get Carter’s eye cleared up, and after Spring Break, we will try a unique approach to fitting his prosthetic a little better.  Donnie wants to place some molding element on the back of the current prosthesis and then put it back into place.  He thinks that will help make a mini impression that he will use to expand/alter the current eye.  This will help fit the lens better without having to sedate Carter and make a full orbital impression.

Just to remind you, the infections seem to be due to the prosthesis not fully fitting and allowing bacteria to get behind it and trapped back there.  Ultimately the best thing is to do a full impression and build a new eye. Donnie hopes this will buy us some more time.  I don’t know if he just wants to wait as long as possible to make a new eye or if this is just a temporary solution.  Maybe the warranty has already run out and he is simply trying to save us some money – I kid… kind of.   Amy and I agree that we trust Donnie and that he has Carter’s and our best interest at heart.

Until then, Amy and Carter have made yet another trip to the eye doctor to get drops to put in his eyes allowing the infection to be treated.  After 48 hours of the drops we have been instructed to take the eye out each night and replace it in the morning. Of course this is a lot less scary now that we made it through the process just a few nights ago.

When Amy called me this afternoon, to give me the report, I was listening to I am Not The Same by Unhindered.  Some of the lyrics say:

I bow before your cross this broken life made new 
So amazed at all you are, Lord 

And who I am in you 
Adopted, healed, and lifted 
Forgiven, found, and rescued

I am not the same I’m a new creation 
I am not the same anymore 
I am not ashamed, I will not be shaken 
I am not the same anymore, anymore

Carter and I were talking last night about how one day he won’t have to worry about his eye anymore.  We pray for the moment that Carter comes to a saving knowledge of Christ and then we will rejoice that he will be adopted, healed and lifted; forgiven, found, and rescued.  Then he will truly know perfection.

(*just a reminder that this is all about the prothesis and the implant is doing fine and unharmed.)

Not on the Bucket List

Exactly one month ago I mentioned in a post about Carter’s infections, that for the first time we had to remove Carter’s eye and clean it. We were in the middle of a rough patch of infections and Donnie, our Ocularists, said we needed to pull it out and clean it.

And now would be the time I confess that the eye never was touched. We didn’t remove it and we didn’t clean it. Yeah, that’s right, I chickened out. I didn’t see anyone else offering to come over and play with my kid’s eye. FaceBook and Twitter must have shut down because we were not inundated with friend’s wanting to help out in our medical need. Seriously though, we were blessed with kind words and plenty of people saying they would be praying for the situation and events that were about to occur.

That night in question, I told Carter that we really needed to pull his eye out and clean it but as soon as I said it he lost it. The look on his face and the alligator tears started to flow and I began back pedaling. I asked Amy if it was absolutely necessary to don the scrubs and put all of my medical knowledge to test in this arena. As soon as she muttered, “I guess we don’t…” I pulled the plug on the operation. I didn’t even let her finish the sentence. I just needed an out. The next day Carter was scheduled to see Donnie so before you go thinking I put my son’s health/life in jeopardy, we knew things would be better in the morning.

Fast forward to this past Saturday night. Carter was complaining a little bit about his eye not feeling right and when he got out of the shower he said, “my eye is looking left.” Sure enough it was easy to tell that his prosthesis was not moving like normal. In all of our medical expertise, which continues to grow with this situation, we determined the eye had shifted and was “stuck” in place. I had Carter close his eye and I proceeded to try and push the lens to the center but to no avail. Carter was getting squeamish and complaining that I was hurting him. Trying to get a better look, I pulled open his upper and lower eyelids and immediately noticed his prosthesis had rotated and was now sideways. I realize that sounds strange but if you recall our original post about the making of his eye, it is not a perfect circle and Donnie had painted a smily face on the eye to signify the top, which clearly needed to be up.

Smily face = This side up

There was no doubt that this could not wait for Donnie to fix and Amy and I agreed that I would take it out. As he did a month ago, Carter freaked out and quickly began crying and saying he didn’t want to do it. He easily admitted he preferred Donnie do it instead of dear old dad. I COMPLETELY concur! Once I convinced him that we had to fix his eye, we proceeded with caution.

I feel like if you’ve read this far you might as well stick around for the details. I took Carter into the bathroom and picked up the little suction cup we received in our goodie bag the day we got his new eye. I squeezed the suction cup and, while holding his eye open, I pushed it up to his eye. It took three or four tries before I finally got it to stick. With a simple rocking motion I pulled up on the bottom and the eye just slid right out. Carter calmed down until he looked in the mirror and saw the cavity that was left behind. It’s interesting how it was just months ago we walked through the surgery and process yet he had quickly forgot what that looked like. I think he was partially intrigued by what he saw but mostly fearful of seeing himself “eyeless” for the first time in months. I held him for a few minutes and we talked about how everything is fine and that one day he will look back and better understand why all this happened. We didn’t take the time to get into all the theology.

Amy (for some reason this was one part I just couldn’t do) flushed out his eye socket with a special solution, also from the goodie bag and I cleaned the prosthetic and lubricated it. It was time to put it back in which was the part I feared the most. Once again, using the suction cup, I held Carter’s eye lids and tried to replace the eye. As I was moving towards him my right hand was visibly shaking uncontrollably. I was trying to use my left arm to cover his right eye so he wouldn’t see me struggling so much. The first attempt was an epic failure as I was pushing both his eye lids in and his eye lashes were getting stuck on his implant. Yeah, you read that correctly.

I don’t know if it was the obvious look of fear on my face or if I verbally asked her, but Amy stepped up behind Carter and pulled his upper eyelid real high. This gave me a huge opening to put the eye back in. Opposite of the extraction, the top part goes in first and then I used my left thumb to wipe the lower eyelid and allow it to pop out and cover the prosthesis.

And just like that it was over. Amy and I tag teamed it and it worked. We conquered it. Now if you’ll excuse me I need some more Advil. It seems I hit my head when I passed out half way through the ordeal. Just kidding – I think. Many of you saw the Tweet/FaceBook post and asked what had happened. Now you know and more importantly you know not to ask next time.

I don’t officially have a bucket list but there are things I would like to do over the years to come. This was not something originally on the list but you can bet I’m checking it off.

Inspiration

His name is Isaiah Austin. He is 7’1″ tall with an even bigger heart. It’s a unique story. It blessed us and I think will bless you. It’s just not the right time to tell it.

Inflammation of the conjunctiva

Now I know why they call it pink eye. I don’t think it has anything to do with the actual color of the eye.  I think it is simply a cop out from having to say a word that, in itself, just sounds dirty.  We do not have much of a history of pink eye at our house but I am quickly learning more and more about this conjunctivitis.

It’s been two months, to date, since we first walked into the Ocularist’s office and walked out with a brand new eye.  It’s also been two months since I’ve given any updates on Carter’s eye but praise God there have been no news because there has simply been, nothing to update.  However, these past few weeks have brought forth a situation that I felt was worthy of sharing and asking some prayer for.

Carter has now had his third bout of pink eye since Christmas.  The first one happened over the holidays when we were spending time out in Ruidoso. We were warned that well water would cause problems and sure enough it did.  Wasn’t a big deal and we worked through it.  Unfortunately he has had two more infections over the past two weeks and these are completely unrelated to well water.  Mr. Donnie Franklin, you might know his as the one who walked away from dental school, said Carter’s tears were getting trapped behind his prosthesis. Some of you, like me, may be amazed that he can continue to cry even after the eye removal and implant surgery. Others, may be surprised to think that this even matters.

It seems his trapped tears are preventing the proper flushing out of the bacteria in his eye, thus causing the infection.  Donnie removed Carter’s prosthetic a couple weeks ago and drilled some holes in it to help drain the tears.  Obviously this didn’t completely solve the problem and will require some adjusting when we go see him again tomorrow.  Good news: Carter’s eye does not hurt at all during these conjunctival issues. It looks gross and needs continual wiping and attention but at least he isn’t in pain and it doesn’t affect his daily routine.  Bad news: the time has come, the time we had hoped would never truly arrive, although we figured it was inevitable.  Tonight, we have been asked (and by we I mean me) to remove Carter’s prosthesis before we put eye drops in.  Then in the morning we (and by we I still mean me) are supposed to put it back in before he heads out to school.

Now we have watched Donnie do this process many times over.  We have been back to Donnie’s office on a couple occasions to have him remove, clean, and replace the eye.  We have not done this on our own yet. I can’t say this was on the top of my to do list for the week but when it comes to your children, you do what you have to.

So I ask that you might pray for Carter’s situation.  Pray that we could figure out how to prevent the frequent infections.  Every time this happens it means he misses school and multiple trips to multiple doctors.  You can pray that he continues to do well in school. We were so proud of him for making straight A’s last semester, a semester that had a ton of days missed with all the appointments, surgery, etc. You could pray that when, not if but when, I pass out tonight and/or tomorrow morning, I land softly. And you can pray for Amy. This takes quite the toll on her and she is really the one managing Carter’s appointments, driving to and from, and not missing a beat of her routine.

We are continually blessed by your kind words and encouragement.  Every Sunday someone stops Amy or I in the hallways asking about Carter and reminds us they are praying. Many of you have encouraged Christopher after his baptism and spoken highly of him being such a good big brother.  Thank you!

I updated the map as we have learned of people from several more parts of the world praying for us.  The community we have in Christ is simply amazing.  Praise God.  Here’s to more uneventful months, infrequent updates, and less reasons to speak or write about  the conjunctiva.

Disconnected

From CJ:

This past Christmas break I allowed myself to do something I have never recall doing before.  I went on vacation.  Of course we have had family vacations over the years but none like this one.  For maybe the first time, that I can remember, I left work behind and spent a week with the family without the occasion mind drifts back to church/ministry life.  And in the end, I lived to tell about it.

After the crazy Fall that our family endured and with Carter’s eye situation finally seeming to be sort of normal, I looked forward to getting away for a little vacation.  I doubt it was a coincidence that this year’s Christmas festivities were already set to take place in the mountains of New Mexico.  Now when the in-laws first bought the place I was informed there would be no WiFi.  Whether that be due to the inability to access it or the parentals simply wanting to stay disconnected, it was a decision that I was going to have to deal with and a decision that was clearly going to alter my ability to stay in touch with the real world. Thanks to cellular service the occasional Tweet, text message or phone call to family in Houston was possible but less frequent.

So what does a city boy with technological dependencies do in the mountains? Every day started off with a great cup of Columbian coffee, thanks to my Compassion International trip last November with Jason Paredes, and a view that screamed of the greatness of God.

And each night ended with a designed playlist of worship songs streaming from my iPod and laying in the darkness of a world a lot less polluted without all the city lights.  The many moments in between were filled with casual conversations with Amy and her family as well as moments of watching the boys play with their cousins.  And then there were the random times I found myself looking out the window staring at the view and having scripture flood my mind.  Some were versus I learned through the growing up days in Southern Baptist world and weekly Bible drill practices.  Some were passages sent by friends over the recent months to encourage us in light of our situation.  All of them pointing me to the very reasons we have them; to glorify the One who inspired them.

I think it is safe to say that over the course of the past months, I have found myself drawn closer to God.  There is no doubt my prayer life was much more active with each and every step of Carter’s journey.  With that said, I look back and remember so many prayers asking God to help us understand what He was doing.  I remember the many prayers for healing in Carter’s life.  I recall those moments humbly asking Him to bring glory to Himself even if we did not understand what all was going on.  But during this sabbatical in the mountains, I found my prayers turning less from a cry of help in a desolate time to more of a genuine adoration for who God simply is.  Worship songs that meant one thing through internal perspective a couple months ago seemed completely different when the lyrics pushed forth a more external adoration towards God.

I’m not sure how to translate the thoughts into words but what started months ago as a “God help us” eventually morphed into a “thank you God” but even then was focused on us and our voyage.  But this week was different. As I spent the week in the mountains it never seemed like it was about our situation.  It truly played out as a week of admonishing God, not for what He had done for us, but clearly for who He is.  I would find myself tearing up just thinking about God giving up His only son.  I remember those nights full of fear thinking that Carter could have cancer in his eye and how threatening that was.  Just the thought made me physically hurt.  And yet God was not dealt a situation where His son developed some illness.  No, He chose to send His one and only son because of our illness.  Who does such a thing?  Who is so selfless?  So I cried, I prayed, I sang songs of adoration, and I thanked Him; but not because of Carter, but because of Christ.

As we drove off that mountain and headed back to the real world, I distinctly remember hoping that this be a year where God doesn’t need to use some life altering situation to get my attention and remind me where my focus should be.  I may not be able to turn off all the city lights but maybe being disconnected isn’t always such a bad thing.